Forgiveness and Reconciliation
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Reprinted 2014 for Local Church Use. Copyright Lee Bee Teik 1997 (may be contacted at reconre1@gmail.com). Available in English, Tamil, Chinese & Bahasa Malaysia (Used with Permission from Dr. D.A.Seamands) |
Since the production of the first edition of “Forgiveness and Reconciliation” in 1997, the writer has had the joy of witnessing individuals and couples receive the fruits of their forgiveness for those who have wronged them. As they obey Christ in taking the step of forgiveness, children have been reconciled with their parents; husbands and wives, with their respective spouse; pastors with peoples; others, with colleagues, relatives and friends.
There have also been times of sorrow when she has to witness persistent unwillingness in some who are not ready to forgive others as Christ has forgiven them. Many continue to live under the burden of their brokenness. We pray that one day they will know the depth of God’s grace (undeserved and un-earnable mercy) upon them and will be willing to forgive their “oppressors” for His and their own sakes. The joy and freedom of being forgiven for resentment can only be experienced by those who have obeyed Him in forgiving others and self.
May God our Father bless you as you share His grace of forgiveness with others.
Introduction
A subject such as “forgiveness” seems hardly worthy of mention in some Christian circles. To some believers, once we have dealt with the basic question of salvation by Christ’s death on the cross for
us, to be forgiven by others for our sins against us appear to be minor issues.
Yet, in the life, teaching, and mission of our Saviour, Jesus, as well as in the Old Testament messages, forgiveness is the heart of the whole gospel. Without God’s forgiveness of our sins through His Son’s death and resurrection, we cannot be reconciled with God our Father. Without our forgiving one another as fellow humans, we cannot be friends with each other too.
Again and again, I watch conscientious brothers and sisters in Christ cry as they recount the hurts others have inflicted on them through the years. There seems no solution to the feeling of being trapped in the vicious cycles of their emotional wounds and wrong habits. Generally, three groups of people in such a condition have emerged:
One consists of those who unashamedly assert that they cannot or will not forgive their “oppressors”. The wrongdoers must pay the price for such a “crime” against them. They want to continue to collect debts from those who have hurt them.
Another comprises those who sincerely want to forgive their “oppressors” but do not know how to go about it. This is because they do not really understand what it means when God forgives them their sins. Therefore, they do not know what it means to really forgive their “enemies”.
The third is made up of Christians who believe that they have forgiven their “oppressors. But they cannot comprehend why the hurts keep returning despite their good intentions to be good to those who have hurt them.
Therefore, this is written with the hope of persuading the first group to forgive, to teach the second group the meaning of forgiveness and to reassure the third group that God approves of their willingness to forgive, and will eventually replace their negative feelings with positive feelings for those who have hurt them before.
May you sense the presence of the ultimate Forgiver, Jesus Christ Himself, as you read on. May you experience His freedom in you as you practice forgiveness to those who have wronged you, in obedience to Him. May you also gradually entrust your past, present and future to Him “ for He careth for you”.
Part I: The Difference between Forgiveness & Reconciliation
Jesus Christ forgave those who murdered Him before they even knew that they had sinned against Him.
Reconciliation, however, is effected only when a sinner acknowledges his sins, receives God’s forgiveness and thus becomes His friend.
In the same manner, God expects us to take the initiative to forgive our wrongdoers even if they do not know that they have wronged us.
Forgiveness does not always lead to reconciliation e.g. an abused person may not be able to meet her abuser who has not repented.
Nevertheless, always seek for reconciliation if the person is alive. But wait for God’s timing. Do not put false guilt on the forgiver by asking him to guarantee reconciliation. We need to be patient with others as God is so patient with us.
Look at what the Son of God did for us on the cross and consider the time lapse before we sinners, one by one down the generations, received Him as our Saviour and Friend.
Please make brief notes as you read. This will help you put into practice what the Lord may be saying to you.
Part II: Signs and Symptoms of Unforgiveness
Read Hebrews 12:1,2
Since hurts in our lives act as weights and unforgiveness is a sin, they cause damage to our whole persons one way or another. Therefore, we are encouraged to get rid of them, to let go of them...so that we can increasingly live the abundant life that Christ has given to us. Below are some means of diagnosing unforgiveness.
Hurts are like the germs that cause the boils of painful feelings in our lives.
Forgiveness is like the prick of a doctor’s blade to release the pus of painful feelings caused by the infection in the boils.
Therefore, as linings of the boils keep the pus in our bodies, and make them painful to touch, so unforgiveness will harbour the hurts in our lives, even if they are buried too deeply for us to consciously feel the pain. Just as an internal abscess may at times be detected only by other signs e.g. a fever, so unforgiven wrongs may show up now and then in ways beyond our expectations.
This symptom is more difficult to diagnose if one has not been alerted to the possibility before.
Part III: Understand & Experience Forgiveness
Jesus Christ does not give us, His followers, any choice about forgiving those who have hurt us because:
Forgiveness is the Heart of Healing and Holiness. It is the Heart of the Whole Gospel.
Our unwillingness to forgive others destroys the bridge over which the Father’s forgiveness comes to us. Christians usually generalise forgiveness by words such as, “Of course, as a Christian, I have already forgiven them; whatever is in the past is past.” This manner of thinking and speech concerning forgiveness is unreal and therefore does not work. We still carry its load.
Read Luke 6:37, Matthew 6:9-15 and Matthew 18:21-35.
Forgiveness is NOT:
We need to ask the Holy Spirit to help us assess what the wrong done to us is all about and really feel the pain caused by that wrong. Otherwise, we may be praying for healing for something that does not exist, and miss the wrong that needs to be forgiven.
Forgiveness is:
In forgiving others, we are merely practising justice in the eyes of God since Christ has paid the debt of the wrongdoers’ sins against us. Further, when we forgive our debtors in Jesus Name, we gradually recreate new images of the forgiven persons in our minds. In God’s generous grace, they are given another chance to become the persons God intended them to be. Testimonies abound that the oppressors often receive His salvation and/or become more transformed into Christ’s likeness.
Part IV: Forgiveness : A Division of Labour
1. It is a crisis…the human part…the will
Q. “Are you WILLING to forgive the person?
If not, Q. “Are you willing to be made willing by God?” Read Mark 9:14-29
2. It is a process…God’s part…the feelingThe process of the healing takes time. The exercise of the will is a matter of a spilt second, like the launching of a rocket. The healing of feelings creeps in like a slow cargo train.
Remember:
God does NOT put guilt on us for time needed to change our feelings. Therefore, we need the 5 R’s once we have been forgiven, in order to resist those “feelings” attacks:
- Recall: …that negative feelings are from Satan (Rev. 12:10)
- Reiterate: …that you have forgiven…that is why forgiving before a few witnesses (in a private meeting) is helpful. They affirm you and hold you accountable to your decision. Forgiveness works in the context of His community (James 5:16).
- Refuse: …the guilt of feeling that you have not forgiven
- Remember:…that God is faithful in changing you
- Rejoice: because God is pleased that you have forgiven the other person and is present at every step of the healing process.
Forgiveness may include:
As you forgive others their sins against you, may the God of mercy and forgiveness minister His healing grace to you. Shalom!
References
• Living With Your Dreams by David A. Seamands
• Healing Grace by David A. Seamands.
• If Only” by David A. Seamands
• What’s So Amazing About Grace by Philip Yancey
• The Heart of Pastoral Counselling by Lee Bee Teik (reconre1@gmail.com)